Grey

Yesterday, I read about the death of Chester Bennington, the lead singer of the band Linkin Park. 

My music playlist in my late teen years consisted of a limited and questionable fusion of alternative rock, Christian, folk, pop and a few hip-hop singles. The alternative rock bands had more plays than any other genre, and Chester's crisp melodic voice often played in the background as I tackled homework. 

The Shadow of The Day soundtrack would play on repeat during long walks after college, and the images of the music video replayed in my mind as Londoners sped past me. Would life as we know it ever become a riot? Would the streets be volatile and the world uncertain? Would the shadow of the day embrace the world in grey? What does that even mean? There was a depth to his music that got me asking questions.

I couldn't help but feel ashamed last night when I read the news of Chester's suicide. This singer was expressing the negativity in his mind and I coined it creativity instead. I had listened to the bawls of a troubled mind and tapped my feet to its tune. The lyrics conveyed his message.

"Sometimes, solutions aren't so simple"

Chester hid his mental struggles in plain sight for all. Millions of people listened to his songs about his pain and how he struggled to live life, but somehow, his cry for help was silenced by the fame, and how relatable his music is. 

Steadily, mental health has made its way from hushed conversations in dark corners into the limelight. It is in the news and at work, with friends and with family; mental health is an issue that needs to be addressed, and properly too. However, the complexity of mental health poses great difficulty in dealing with it. The manifestations along the spectrum of depression, anxiety, PTSD, mania, psychosis and many other mental illnesses vary in each individual for one. Also, the diagnosis of mental disorders is partly subjective, depending on what symptoms are expressed by the sufferer and how they are perceived by the healthcare professional. The intricacies of the mind and emotions, and the care and understanding needed to engage with it, mean mental illness is not an easy subject in many ways. 

Bearing this in mind, and with caution, I proceed.

"Sometimes, goodbye is the only way"

Increasingly, many all over the world are in need of help to fight the battle in the mind. The reality of the struggle surpasses a DSM classification with a daily tension between one’s perception of life and what exists in fact. Chester mentioned in an interview how he never wanted to be alone in his thoughts; it was not a good place to be because there was a voice that wanted to take him down.

Suicide is hardly ever an impulsive decision. It is a thought that sits deeps in the mind, and as days go by, the intent develops. Each disappointment fuels the plan, each loss gives a reason.

I read a Youtube commenter give his ideology for why he (the commenter) once wanted to take his life. He described it as a sort of freedom from suffering and the aches of life, a way out of the constant evil that blights the planet we live.

“… the world in grey”

The Shadow of The Day video showed a world that was deteriorating very quickly. For many, this riot is within. The mind becomes a place where insecurities, inadequacies, failures, disappointments, hurt, shame and guilt scream the loudest. These screams blur out the whispers of hope, of peaceful days to come. Even when the sun is shining, the mind mostly sees grey skies. 

The appeal to remove oneself from the chaos we live is not inconceivable. No one wants to stay in constant greyness and darkness. 

“Your friends all plead for you to stay”

I watched Chester in another interview where he speaks of experiencing peace. The people who appreciate peace the most are those who have been on the battlefield. In these moments of peace, there is a beacon of hope that there is some good in life. To make these moments last, there is the need to hope in something unchanging, for something steadfast to hold on to when the waves of bleakness rush in again. 

The focus must be outward, away from the anxiety and insecurity that plagues the mind, Hope in something beyond the present chaos; something bigger than perception and feelings and inner thoughts. Solutions may not be so simple, but ending life is not the only way to fight the battle.  

“Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple”

I acknowledge that it is an incredibly difficult task to overcome the force of a troubled mind, but I believe it is not an impossible one. It is a complex situation and so the solution would be challenging. But there is a change that needs to happen to escape the sinkhole of despondency. What is required is a more powerful force than the mind, and seeking the help of a more powerful being. 

There is a second part to this post. It won't have answers to the difficult questions that come with this subject, but I hope it brings encouragement for those of us who have our backs against the wall, seeking the strength and courage to face the chaos that life may bring.

Love,

FeyVored

Hebrews 6:19 - We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure...